It is remarkable when 53 pastors talk with one another about anything - much more remarkable when they agree.

        It is doubtful that anyone disagrees that the current condition of marriage and family life is what it ought to be, could be.  The hurt, neglect, grief - even abuse - in marriages is disheartening to those of us who know about it.

        The cost to our society of brokenness in marriage is immense.  Results extend beyond the married couple to children and children’s children.  The criminal justice system picks up what parents dropped.  There will never be enough counselors to repair damage left over from failed parenting.

        The pastors are laying out a high road for their performance of weddings.  One would expect it.  Many churches have already established basic requirements for those wishing a church wedding.  It is helpful to those outside to have an idea what those requirements might be.  In fact it is embarrassing for couples seeking a wedding place to be turned away because they don’t come up to the requirements of the particular church.

        I think the declaration of guidelines for those preparing for marriage to be a good thing.

        What I would really like to see is for pastors to get out of the licensing side of marriage altogether.  We are made agents of the state in the licensing process.  Because marriage is a legal contract licensed by the state it would seem that the state should be responsible for providing each couple with the contract represented by the license.  It is the most important contract any couple will agree to, but the details are not readily available.  There needs to be a summation in print revealing all the legal ramifications of marriage.  The laws regarding children, property, financial responsibility, abuse, and divorce are among the materials couples never see.  The signing of the license should be an indication that they are aware of the extent of their marriage contract.

        The true role of the wedding officiant is to preside over the formalities in which the coming together is symbolized.  Some call it “solemnizing,” others call it “celebrating.”
The event declares to those present the commitment of a couple to be partners in a durable relationship in which they take responsibility for fulfilling the duties of their contract.  This commitment is one made in the context of love.

        Marriage statistics support the assertion that those who make serious preparation do better than those who do not.  The type and quality of that preparation may be questioned, since clergy have differing levels of expertise.  It may well be that those who give attention to pre-marital preparation are reflecting a higher level of commitment and seriousness than those who do not.

        After many years of doing both extended pre-marital preparation and none at all, and looking back at the outcomes of those marriages, it would not be possible for me to claim that pre-marriage preparation makes all that much difference.  In fact, when I think about it, I don’t know a single golden wedding couple (that’s 50 years!) who ever had a minute of pre-marital counseling.

        I think of couples with very little in common, for whom I could not imagine a basis of marriage, who married, raised families, stayed together and lived apparently happy and productive lives.  There are couples who will remind me that their TJTA scores (Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis) indicated likely relational problems as they proudly introduce me to their grandchildren.

        On the other hand, I look at other TJTA tests in my files, which seemed to indicate high likelihood of successful relationship and remember the fracture and disillusion of those marriages.

        I doubt that any preparation can be more important than love and true commitment.

        During the past 20 years I have done my ministry work with people not connected with any church.  In most cases these people would not go to any of the pastors connected with a congregation.  They are part of approximately half the population who are not related to organized religion and have no desire to be so.

      Yes, many of these people live together before they decide to marry.  Some have been married previously.  I probably don’t see the fresh, younger couples more likely found in the churches.  A large percentage of these people ask for a “religious-neutral” ceremony.  The language of religion is not meaningful.

    Without fail, these people are interested in a committed, monogamous, spiritual relationship.

     What disturbs me about the Marriage Preparation Policy of area pastors is that it draws a line between those who connect with churches and those who do not.  It turns away those who feel that their personal commitment is their business and theirs alone.  It gives the appearance of assuming that those who do not prepare in the suggested manner are not worthy of a pastoral presence.  It conveys the idea that the key to a long and successful marriage is marriage counseling.

        I am glad that there are some trained, experienced, marriage and family counselors in the area.  I offer referrals to every couple whose wedding I do.   My part of the business is to do the wedding event, not the marriage.

        Over the past 20 years, since leaving the church, I have done weddings in every setting from briar patches to mountaintops.  Even a few in chapels and churches.  I can attest to the fact that in every wedding there is a “moment” - a holy moment - of connection, invariably at the point when the couple look into one another’s eyes and promise commitment and faithfulness.

        I see those people around town after all these years and read of their children’s graduation from high school.  And I know that they kept their promise and that the promise was what mattered most.

        I didn't sign on with my colleagues.  I’m not opposing or even disagreeing with their intent.  I’m just saying that their program leaves out the vast number of people outside the churches who are equally concerned about, and committed to, strong marriages.